Winter Wonderland

★☆★☆// The World. Wednesday, June 27, 2012 [ 11:57 PM ] 1 problem

I'm tired. I'm really tired.. I'm really really tired.. I'm really really really tired of hearing people say they're tired when there are people, like me, who feels even more tired than they are.

I'm tired, I couldn't get everyone's normal six hours sleep, I spend my days up and awake, with the study lamp turned on, why? Work.

I don't get it, I don't complain about the tiredness I get too often, I try to show people that I'm not tired, I'm still the hyper me. I didn't change, I didn't show I'm tired, when deep down, I cried all the time. Everytime I do that, sleeping up late, spending time doing my work, and then realizing I have incomplete work, I get all upset and starts doing again? Do I complain? No.

Why..? Why are people being like this..? I have training for this very last week because of my musicals, I rest only when I get home from school. I don't leave class early anymore because I don't wish to skip any lessons anymore. I still do my work promptly, but because being overly-exhausted, I couldn't do it. Being attacked with giddiness, I don't get how I still hang on, I have no reasons to be hanging on now. My slitting habit is coming back to me again, I would slit, twenty more times at one go, I would then tell myself, "yes, it's stupid, but it's the only way to stop you from feeling even more hurt and tired. "

I let people talked about me, laughed at me, pointing fingers at me, showing me the attitude, everything, I swallowed everything. I can't even be sure of my health anymore.. I have backaches, and just recently in class, my neck and my feet hurts. I feel giddy easily and gets those gastric pain easier than ever. Why am I torturing myself? Why am I doing this to myself? Why did I even join the musical in the first place? I do it for the passion that I have for singing and dancing. I don't see why people should be complaining about their health, I stubbornly refused people's care on my health, my well-being and everything, because I don't like putting burden on others. When I care, I care too much, because I rather have them feel happy, and healthy, than to put myself first. I give in too much? For what? For people I love, for people I cared, for their friendships.

I find myself being too honest sometimes, I can't help it, it hurts, but then again, why hear the lies when you can choose the truths. I'm being too honest, typing everything I feel into this blogpost. It's filled with too much negative feelings, but it's the only way I let my anger leave me to have peace with just me alone.

What doesn't kills makes me stronger, but I always remember one thing, even the strongest..will break down one day. I may not be the weakest, I may not be the strongest, but I broke down way too much without showing why I broke down. Maybe because I'm too used to being known as the hyperactive one to all my friends. I used that to prove that I'm not breaking down, but I did, i broke down as time went by.

It sucks.. Hearing people complain.. everything is so.. heart aching now..