Winter Wonderland

★☆★☆// Timelessly Friday, August 31, 2012 [ 10:01 PM ] 0 problem

{ mom, dad, i really do promise I'll make you proud of me one day }

{ If you really love me, show me to the world }

{ I love places I've never been to. }

{ magic is everywhere, all it needs is just a snap of the fingers and a chain of spells }

i wonder how long is it that I didn't post a post in my normal tone, not the usual, I really wonder..

★☆★☆// I'm a burden, to my parents, to my friends, to everyone who loves me dearly. Tuesday, August 28, 2012 [ 5:04 PM ] 0 problem

{ I'm a burden. }

Why do i say so? Well, firstly, I'm always off borrowing money from my friends. Second, i can never seem to return them and I still borrowed from them. Third, I just feel like I'm a burden. I can never do anything.. I can never do anyone proud, sure, in my ability with dances, yeah, like that would get me far in life. I see everyone's sad faces when they got back their results, they scored better than I do, yet, they feel sad, I felt nothing, absolutely nothing except for the fact that I'm a burden, I'm a shameful idiot, I'm someone who will never succeed in life.

it's like, crying has become a part of me, i felt myself distancing from everyone, it's as though, everyone's better than me, and I'm the only one who can't do anything right. Just because life said that everyone's life is unfair, doesn't meant that mine's any better. my results, yeah, sure, I can get somewhere. Some place where everyone's of a higher level than me. Intensive lessons, intensive studying.. what's the point?

I'll still feel like a burden to everyone

Returning friends of their money, still, I feel so guilty.

Owing friends of their birthday presents, still, I feel so bad.

Having friends promising they'll always be there for me, still, I feel so lonely.

I feel so lonely, till the fact that I've became selfish, hoping to get even more attention than before.

Seeing my friends angry, still, I feel so upset.

If I could, I'm willing to send everyone a message, telling them.. how sorry I am, for always relying on them, for always borrowing money from despite knowing they don't have enough..

all in all,

I'm sorry..

for being such a burden..

★☆★☆// The World. Wednesday, June 27, 2012 [ 11:57 PM ] 1 problem

I'm tired. I'm really tired.. I'm really really tired.. I'm really really really tired of hearing people say they're tired when there are people, like me, who feels even more tired than they are.

I'm tired, I couldn't get everyone's normal six hours sleep, I spend my days up and awake, with the study lamp turned on, why? Work.

I don't get it, I don't complain about the tiredness I get too often, I try to show people that I'm not tired, I'm still the hyper me. I didn't change, I didn't show I'm tired, when deep down, I cried all the time. Everytime I do that, sleeping up late, spending time doing my work, and then realizing I have incomplete work, I get all upset and starts doing again? Do I complain? No.

Why..? Why are people being like this..? I have training for this very last week because of my musicals, I rest only when I get home from school. I don't leave class early anymore because I don't wish to skip any lessons anymore. I still do my work promptly, but because being overly-exhausted, I couldn't do it. Being attacked with giddiness, I don't get how I still hang on, I have no reasons to be hanging on now. My slitting habit is coming back to me again, I would slit, twenty more times at one go, I would then tell myself, "yes, it's stupid, but it's the only way to stop you from feeling even more hurt and tired. "

I let people talked about me, laughed at me, pointing fingers at me, showing me the attitude, everything, I swallowed everything. I can't even be sure of my health anymore.. I have backaches, and just recently in class, my neck and my feet hurts. I feel giddy easily and gets those gastric pain easier than ever. Why am I torturing myself? Why am I doing this to myself? Why did I even join the musical in the first place? I do it for the passion that I have for singing and dancing. I don't see why people should be complaining about their health, I stubbornly refused people's care on my health, my well-being and everything, because I don't like putting burden on others. When I care, I care too much, because I rather have them feel happy, and healthy, than to put myself first. I give in too much? For what? For people I love, for people I cared, for their friendships.

I find myself being too honest sometimes, I can't help it, it hurts, but then again, why hear the lies when you can choose the truths. I'm being too honest, typing everything I feel into this blogpost. It's filled with too much negative feelings, but it's the only way I let my anger leave me to have peace with just me alone.

What doesn't kills makes me stronger, but I always remember one thing, even the strongest..will break down one day. I may not be the weakest, I may not be the strongest, but I broke down way too much without showing why I broke down. Maybe because I'm too used to being known as the hyperactive one to all my friends. I used that to prove that I'm not breaking down, but I did, i broke down as time went by.

It sucks.. Hearing people complain.. everything is so.. heart aching now..

★☆★☆// my swaggggg has been found. ♡彡 Sunday, April 8, 2012 [ 2:01 PM ] 0 problem

Friday, Good Friday, one of the best of the best times of my life.

Standing on stage, feeling the nervousness fill your body, breathing in and out, trying to calm your soul down, getting your soul to drown in the music.

Hearing the music play, that first beat of eight, the rhythm. everything that you've been waiting for, it's here, the nervousness went away as you carried on dancing, the crowd screamed, that's when you feel adrenaline moving through your veins, like Britney Spears' song, Circus, named it. You'll feel the adrenaline, when you made a mistake in your moves, for that one moment, you're not that scared of being the focus for everyone, because, everyone's has got your back at making it up to the audience.

the music stops, the last final pose you posed, for all the sweats, for all the past practices you had, it's worth it because, the crowd enjoyed your performance. Everything seems exciting now.

When you hear the crowd scream, it made everything more fun, or even better.

I rather make a fool out of myself on stage, i rather put performing first than books. Everything that has to do with performing. I pray for nothing, but just to dance with everyone again. The greatest thing that happened, was when every teachers came up to us and said "Good Job" because we did good in our performance.

I'll remember that day, everything that happened. I'll remember everyone.

Jojo, Sherri, Irsyad, Lionel, Arfan, Dilys, Galen, Pei Shan, Hui Lin, Nigel, Hakim, Nadiah, Nadim, everyone. Everyone in CJ Crew will be missed..

It's been a while since I teared for good things. Thanks for letting me shine on stage again. It's been fun. I'll be waiting for another day where we'll perform together again, on stage, feeling all the swagggggg we can feel, feeling that adrenaline rushing through your veins.

6th April; The best Good Friday of my 15 years of life.

★☆★☆// Monday, March 19, 2012 [ 10:31 PM ] 0 problem

I'll post the links if AFF works again. <3

★☆★☆// [ 10:06 PM ] 0 problem

I swear, if AFF isn't being Bitchy to me. I could have posted those links of fics for you to check them out. OAO

anyway,

FANFICS FOR THE WIN!!!! <3

★☆★☆// Keep calm and hug me. Tuesday, March 6, 2012 [ 10:56 PM ] 0 problem

Today was fun! I'll blog tomorrow! Bye!